We had a fight last night, my husband and I. That doesn't happen very often. We fought because . . . because my husband had an awful week at he office . . . because potty-training is driving me insane . . . because we get so little time alone together . . . because we have been in this new town for seven months and I know nobody and I am lonely . . . because if my husband had wanted a Jewish wife he would have married one.
I am discouraged today. My biggest fear is, and has always been, that one day I will learn that everything I think I have is false, that I have been conned. I am afraid I will discover that the people around me are here not because they find me genuinely interesting and likeable, but because they feel some sense of guilt or obligation.
My husband says it's not enough for me that he do what I want him to do. He says I want him to do it "with heart." Maybe he's right. When he goes through the motions, I can see in his face that his actions aren't sincere, and then I begin to doubt everything. So maybe it's not that I want him to do my bidding with heart; maybe instead I want him to do only what he can do with heart.
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