My son goes to a preschool that's run by a church. We chose the school because some other families at the synagogue had sent their children there -- there's no Jewish preschool in the area -- and had good things to say about it. The school receives state funding for at least one of its programs, so they keep the proselytizing out of the classroom. Christmas, however, at least in its secular form, is, of course, explored and celebrated extensively. This is my son's first time really dealing with the Christmas season and being an outsider to it all. While we do go to my parents' house for Christmas and "help them celebrate," we observe only the Jewish holidays in our home.
Because I'm not Jewish myself and have no childhood memories of Hanukkah, I'm at a bit of a loss when it comes to dealing with all of S.'s questions. He wants to know why the clerks at the store keep asking him about Santa. He wants to know more about Santa. He wants to know why his grandma and grandpa don't give him gifts at Hanukkah but give him gifts on Christmas instead. It's all so complicated. I think I've done pretty well with most of his questions, but the last one, about gifts on Christmas, is more tricky. I would really like it if my folks gave the kids at least one of their gifts on Hanukkah and wrapped the others in Hanukkah or generic paper. However, it's not so simple when we haven't been doing it that way all along. Three weeks before Christmas might not be the time to change the rules on them. And besides, it's not just my parents. There's my extended family, too, and I have a problem with telling other people how to wrap or refer to gifts that they choose to buy for my children. I always thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, gifts are gifts. But now that we're getting these questions, I'm thinking maybe we've been doing this wrong.
I have to admit it makes me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty when I hear him sing Christmas songs. He's learning (and the emphasis should be on the ing, for clearly that learning is incomplete) some Christmas songs at school. Last week he was singing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, all a sudden way." I have no idea what that meant in his little head. His lyrics were so weird and so totally him that I couldn't bring myself to correct them, though. After school today, he sang it again, his earlier error now corrected, and yet, it was oh-so-far from accurate. Now it sounds something like, "Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride -- one whore, us, and sleigh!" That one we might have to correct, but not until after my husband gets home and hears it. I'm not messing with it until then!
I guess, as a non-Jewish mom, I'm always worrying that my kids will be "less Jewish" than the other kids at synagogue. It's one thing if a child of two Jewish parents, or even the child of a Jewish mother and a gentile father, sings a Christmas carol. But it seems somehow more noticeable when my kids do it. I'm always afraid they won't be "Jewish enough."
And yet my son, after watching my husband light his father's yahrzeit candle recently, today pretended to light a candle and began to recite his own made-up Kaddish. It sounded distinctly Hebrew and even had a few real Hebrew words thrown in, along with an occasional English word like died. The rhythm of the language is in him. And clearly, when he does things like this, I see that he is part of something much bigger, much older, than this family.
I'm hoping a few Christmas carols and a little Santa wrapping paper can't take that away.
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4 comments:
I grew up in a very Jewish family in a town with a very small Jewish community. I was the only Jew in my class from grade 1 thru 12 and none of my close friends were Jewish. We did not celebrate Xmass in the home but we would go to parties held by nonJewish friends of my parents. We sat on Santa's lap in the mall and we ate candy canes and watched Rudolph and the Grinch on TV. I don't feel like any of this made me less Jewish. I always knew that Santa wasn't real and was a folk legend. My parents always explained when we were young that this was not our holiday. Sure, there were times when I felt left out, like on Xmass day when all of my friends were busy and nothing was open so all we did was clean the house and hang around.
Ironically, Chanukah is not a big holiday and has sort of been blown out of proportion by Christmas.
Let's face it, growing up Jewish in America, the kids are going to be surrounded by christianity. The best you can do is not pretend it isn't out there but explain to them what Christmas is all about. Don't keep the good/fun things about Christmas from them otherwise they might feel deprived as they grow up. I had a lot of fun at Xmass parties and the non-religious Christmas carols and cartoons were a lot of fun.
Plus, as you mention, your side of the family is not Jewish so they will be exposed all the more. I wouldn't fault your family for wanting to celebrate a holiday that they love and have celebrated all their lives. Just work it into your family as you see fit and try to answer your son's questions honestly and openly. He is a smart kid so best he get the answers from you rather than seek them out elsewhere.
Anyway, my two cents!
Thanks, Meredith. I appreciate your two cents. It's really good to get another perspective, especially the perspective of a Jewish mom.
If you don't mind my asking, what do you do about gifts at Christmas? Does LM receive Christmas gifts?
Since B's family celebrates Xmass, we celebrate with them. They are not religious in the least bit so there is really no "Jesus" in their Xmass. It is all about the tree, gifts, and food.
We typically go to their house and they give us and LM tons of presents and we buy gifts for them.
This year, due to finances, we aren't buying any presents for each other or LM, just B's parents/sister because it is expected.
We do have a Xmass tree in our house. I fought it a long time but now sort of love it. All of our ornaments are kitschy and funny and I love the scent and the lights. It makes me happy.
We do Chanukah too - we are going to my cousin's house and will make latkes for the kids and we will be lighting the menorah every night.
Xmass is the only non-Jewish holiday we do as a family (well, if you don't count Halloween). As a mixed family, we decided we needed to combine all the traditions that are important to B as well as the ones that are important to me. Since Xmass is very non-religious to B and a big deal and full of wonderful memories and traditions in his childhood, we celebrate it as a family.
Will it make LM less Jewish? Maybe. It is a hard call. I was raised Jewish but am not super religious myself. I plan to do all the holidays but we only go to synogogue on high holidays. Now that we have family nearby it is easier to make Judaism a little bigger in our lives.
I would like him to be Bar Mitzvahed when he is 13 so at some point, there will be Hebrew school involved.
Your Christmas traditions sound like a lot of fun. I'm glad you're able to celebrate it (and the Jewish holidays) without any conflict.
It's funny -- we started off celebrating Christmas when we were first married, but I've gradually moved away from it, and we haven't put up a tree for the last two years.
I think I'm definitely making too big a deal of this! :-)
Oh, and btw, when the neighbors all put up their Christmas lights, one neighbor put up a giant inflatable birthday cake. At first I thought it was her birthday, but the cake has been there for a week now. I remember your story about your old boyfriend, and now I'm thinking it just might be a Christmas decoration. Hm.
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