Until my previous post, it had been a long time since I'd posted about fat. You might have been wondering, even, if I'm still fat. The answer would be yes. Yes, I am. As I was scrubbing something sticky off a pair of my jeans this morning, S said, "Those sure are big pants." So there you have it. The three-year-old tells it like it is.
I think the scarceness of fat posts is a good sign. Negative thoughts about my body don't consume me the way they used to. Sure, I still get down on myself, and I would love to be smaller, but this is the healthiest I have ever been in terms of self-acceptance. Granted, I still dream about weight loss when I exercise. I wish I didn't.
I am trying to make exercise fun. I like to move my body. It's only when moving gets all tangled up with thoughts of getting smaller and starving myself that I dread exercise. I got an mp3 player and some free downloads for my birthday (no dishwasher -- long story for another day), and I've been downloading some music that's good to exercise to. It makes it fun. If I rotate the music every few days, I stay motivated and look forward to it.
My mind wanders, though. I begin to think, "Gee, I wonder if I lost a pound today." "Will my pants start fitting me looser?" Or, after a recent bout with the flu, "I wonder how much weight I lost?" These are destructive thoughts for someone like me, and so I try to stop them. I go look in the mirror to remind myself who I am. I am still fat. I am a fat woman who likes to move her body. I can even like myself that way. I'll probably never be thin. I have to make that okay.
"Those sure are big pants," S says.
I smile. "Yup, they sure are."
2 comments:
Speaking as a big pants person myself I can relate and I say good job for being able to loosen the grip of the unholy should beast. I have learned to not be so judgmental but I still hate mirrors because the are equivalent to a dozen 3 year olds telling me how it is!
Anyhow life is life and we need to focus on and build upon strengths so that we do not need to dwell in the space where wall can see, is how great it would be if we just became better and different than we actually are. This way maybe (hopefully) we can be a little more balanced about it all.
Be well.
Tikkunger, I understand your dislike of mirrors. I can face them now if I am prepared. It's only when I see my image unexpectedly -- reflected in a store window, for example -- that it still upsets me. I hope you and the mirror make peace.
Thanks for the comment!
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