And then I picked up a copy of Reform Judaism, where I read Rabbi Eric Yoffie's "Dear Reader: We Need to Ask," in which he pretty much responds to this post without ever having read it. He said what I haven't heard before, that I'm welcome. I'm not saying anyone has been unwelcoming in the least, only that no one ever actually invited me to consider conversion. At first I considered it respectful that no one asked, but later, my insecurities getting the best of me, I began to wonder if I was seen as damaged goods, if maybe they didn't ask because they were hoping I wouldn't convert. So it was nice to have an invitation of sorts. I'm thinking now that being where I'm not sure I'm wanted is what's not for me, not so much conversion.
So am I ready to convert? I've been thinking about the psychology of religious conversion. I'm sure there have been studies, or at least some generalizations made, on the subject, but I haven't read any of that. I have wondered if a desire to convert from one's family's religion to another is some kind of character flaw. What is wrong with me that my ancestors' way of life is not good enough for me? Why does Judaism work better for me than Christianity?
Christians believe in a definite male deity, even one in human form, while Judaism talks of a deity neither male nor female and not really human. Is that part of what I like? I cannot ignore the possibility that I am going to have problems with any religion in which I am to worship a male anything. Not that I hate men -- don't get me wrong. But it should be obvious to anyone who has been reading my page that I have daddy issues. I love my father, and he loves me, but our relationship has always been a power struggle. And when I was in college, my anthem was Tori Amos's "Precious Things" with the lines (and please pardon the, ahem, strong lyrics),
"I want to smash the faces of all the beautiful boys, those Christian boys.
So you can make me cum, that doesn't make you Jesus. "
Eek. Yeah. So I think I need to thoroughly examine my motivations here. Really, honestly, I don't think I want to convert to escape Christianity or to assert my feminism or anything like that, any more than I think I married my husband solely because he wasn't one of "those Christian boys." If so, I would have converted a long time ago to something, anything, or called myself an atheist. I think I have really fallen in love with Judaism. But what if I'm wrong? What if this is just some emotional, knee-jerk thing that I'm doing for the wrong reasons? What are the right reasons? I don't think conversion for another person, even a husband or a child, is enough. So what are my reasons?
One of the many things that what I know so far of Judaism has done for me is to help me to step outside myself, and I want to say to make me less selfish, but I think it's at least partly self-consciousness I'm talking about instead of selfishness . . . although I'm beginning to see that the two are not so different. The emphasis on getting involved, not only with community, but with social change, is something I love. In Christianity, getting involved is great, but in Judaism, it is expected.
And so, when I, with my natural tendencies toward introversion and my extra added insecurities about too many things to count, tend to slink off into the shadows thinking I have nothing to offer, it is Judaism that helps me step outside of my own discomfort and use what I have been given to change the world in positive ways. Not that I'm very good at that stepping out thing right now, or in changing much of anything. But I'm working on it, and I see it all in such a different light now. It's not, "Be confident," but, "Be part of the world." In the former, the focus is on changing myself so that I will be ready/good enough to act, whereas in the latter, the focus is on the world itself and the changes needed and my obligation to act. When you're part of a larger whole, your little flaws and fears don't matter so much; instead, you just work alongside everyone else in whatever way you can to keep the big world turning.
Is that a good enough reason? I don't know. But I'll keep thinking about it. You know, now that I've been asked.
4 comments:
I'm new to your blog and to be honest haven't done any background reading and so I am jumping in to this comment without really understanding much about you or what you are doing. Having said that I do have a couple thoughts on your post and they are as follows.
First off everyone is a spiritual convert there's just no way around it, I don't buy into this idea of people being born into a faith at all. I have no doubt that this is going to rub some Jews the wrong way but that's just how I see it.
Okay well let me clarify a little bit and say that what I am referring to is the religious or spiritual sense of Judaism not so much of the cultural meme or national identity tied to it. Conversion is the moment of wakeful understanding where faith moves past any doubts in a way that says yes this is right and I belong to this, important thing here is not to assume that it belongs to you because it is you who become part of something larger than yourself. This is not something without doubt or fears just that faith always pushes through it in a way that no matter how scary things get on a subtle or heart level, one just knows that it's right.
Well now that I've spewed all of the above out, Judaism however is different (assuming were talking about progressive /Reform Judaism here, because I'm certainly not qualified to discuss anything orthodox) and its conversion is about joining a peoplehood a cultural meme if you will. So as I see it conversion to Judaism is very much about fitting in not in a sense of joining a club per se but rather as in making room to become something very unique and very special in human history and it requires something more than just spiritual convictions about God or Torah. It's about a new cultural identity not to mention job description as a human being living in this world, it's certainly something way beyond observing Shabbat or attending synagogue it's a way of being in this world.
To be a Jew is certainly about transcending any personal sense of being a misfit and stepping into a larger culture of misfits. I say culture of misfits because Jews have a dirty job and are constantly seen as outsiders and different.
We are misfits because we believe that we belong on/in this world and it's not something to be escaped. We are misfits because we know that we have a job to do as Jews to prepare for the messianic age. We are misfits because we know that every breath and every action we partake of needs to be a tiny personal expression of holiness. We are misfits because we're here to elevate the world not for our sake but for the sake of all of humanity. Most importantly we are misfits because we understand and accept the responsibility to put aside our own sense of misfit'ness so that we can get on with the bigger misfit business of Tikkun Olam.
Now that I've gone a complete rant I guess all I can add to this is that, as I see it is to be a Jew is to give up ones own small egotistical sense of being a misfit in order to a happily embrace the bigger more beautiful and powerful misfit'ness of the tribe.
Thanks for sharing an interesting post and I apologize in advance for this rant!
PS I'm sure that if this is really who you are and what you need you'll fit in just fine and you're the only one who knows, okay well other than Hashem.
Tikkunger, thanks for the response. I truly appreciate your insight. "Larger culture of misfits" -- interesting. I like that.
So how does the "egotistical sense of being a misfit" go away? Should I have those issues resolved before I approach the rabbi (I'm involved in a reform/conservative synagogue with my Jewish husband and children, but I haven't told anyone there that I'm considering conversion), or should I hope that the conversion process itself will move me in the right direction?
Thanks again for your response to what must seem like elementary ramblings to you, as I'm at the very beginning of my journey, staring at the path, my foot itching to take the first step.
I wish I had something interesting or eloquent to say. Instead I am just going to support you in whatever decision you make. I do love the "larger culture of misfits" idea!
In light of your perfect 100% Reform Judaism score I think maybe you should be telling me about how to get rid of my small misfit'ness in order to make room for the bigger more important Jewish misfit'ness.
Honestly I have no idea what to tell you because I think it's something everyone has to work out for themselves. However I think it has to do with connecting to family in that blood is thicker than water sort of way, but other than that I haven't got a clue what you would do!
By the way I'm glad you both liked my comment about the larger culture of misfits, but please be advised that it has been trademarked and the patent is pending therefore any use and or reference to my term requires payment in advance via paypal. $.25 a use or five for a dollar.
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