A Confused Non-Jewish Spouse Rambles About the New Conversion Initiatives . . . And Then, Predictably, Rambles Even More About Herself

The Reform and Conservative movements of Judaism have recently unveiled initiatives to encourage conversion of non-Jewish spouses in intermarriages. I've read a lot of non-Jewish partners' negative reactions to the new initiatives. I don't personally find any of it offensive. Of course, I am considering conversion, so why would I find it offensive? I think back to when my husband and I first met, though, and wonder how I might have felt back then if I had been pressured to convert the first time I entered a synagogue with him. I was not ready back then to consider it. I wish I had been ready, but I just wasn't.

One of the many things I like about Judaism is that it's not an evangelical religion; I have very little patience for folks who try to force their beliefs down my throat, and the recent surge in Christian evangelism is one of the things that has turned me off to the faith of my childhood. However, there is a difference between pressuring and saying, "If you would like to join us, you are welcome." Finding that balance, however, is surely tricky.

I've never been approached about becoming a Jew. It's respectful distance, I guess, that keeps anyone from asking me. I don't know whether to mention to the rabbi my desire to convert or whether I should wait . . . until I'm absolutely certain, or until I've been so absolutely certain for so long that there's no way I would ever change my mind. I keep meaning to talk to the rabbi, but I'm introverted by nature, and so I put it off again and again.

And, okay, more to the point, if I talk to him and start the process officially, that means I'm going to feel obligated to tell my family about all this. That's the part I'm dreading. I like to think neither of my parents would be too surprised or upset; my mom probably knows it intuitively already, and my dad isn't very religious at all and doesn't care too much one way or another. My mom will probably be a little hurt, but I can't imagine she would be as upset or hurt as she was when she found out her grandchildren would not be Christian. (She wasn't happy about it, but she was very respectful.) I hope that she will see my conversion as the next logical step in our creation of a Jewish home. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic.

I'm really, really dreading telling my grandmother. She's in her eighties, and she's just not as healthy as she used to be. I don't want to do anything to hurt her or harm our relationship, but I also can't stand the thought of keeping something from her or being so cowardly as to wait until she has passed away to proceed with conversion. The older she has gotten, the more religious she has become. All the books I see on her night table now are Christian ones. She will not take this well.

She was without a doubt our harshest critic about our children's upbringing. She said, "I'm sorry to hear you're going to that Jewish church. The best way to raise children is Christian. That's how I was raised." Not exactly a tongue lashing, but by far the harshest thing Grandma has ever said to me, and perhaps the harshest thing I've ever heard her say to anyone. It hurt me deeply. And even though we just agreed to disagree that day and have ever since had a close relationship, I haven't really gotten over her disapproval. I feel sad and guilty that I've let her down, while I also feel angry with her for not being more open- minded. I remind myself that my grandmother lived her whole life (until very recently when she had to move in with relatives) in a very, very small town where she had never seen a person of another faith. My husband was the first Jew she had ever met. I need to give her a break. I had high hopes when we married, because she told my mother to tell me that she approved as long as we raised our kids "one way or the other" -- she just wanted them to be religious. I guess her change of heart caught me off guard.

I don't know. Maybe no one will care at all if I convert. After all, I'm an adult and can make an informed decision. I mean, kids are one thing, but me, well, they probably think I've already turned out to be a dud, so what would they care now? And if they do care, what of it? They're not the sort to disown me. I wish I didn't need my family's approval so much.

And then there are my kids. On occasion my son will ask me if I'm Jewish. He doesn't understand how I'm not, since I do all the Jewish "stuff" with him. I can't tell him that I want to be Jewish, because it will get back to my family. So I just tell him I'm Christian because I grew up in a Christian home.

I feel conflicted. Do I do what I want to do, or do I just maintain the status quo (which really isn't so bad since I'm essentially practicing Judaism anyway) to keep from hurting my extended family? And then, what of my children? I feel paralyzed -- afraid to act. I'm unable to move in one direction of the other. You know, I almost wish the folks at the synagogue would get a move on with this new conversion agenda. Maybe if someone would ask me if I wanted to convert, it would push me in the direction of finding the answer.